So this is a gladiator movie, right? Because I usually like anything with soggy
sandals and bare-chested Romans, oiled chests and oysters vs clams and all that. But
Im pretty sure someone spliced Last of the Mohicans into this around
page 83. Seal people? The fuck are you talking about? I know Scotland
is a lil funky but I didnt think it was as funky as Newfoundland.
Fuckintribe of Oswald Cobblepott’s long lost primos and so on.
As I said, I’d sweat any movie about Romans but this shit is just
retarded. And the main characters kinda look like they were miscast.
The Roman fucker, whose name means Eagle (so clever) should be in a
movie about football/roids/alcohol-fueled teen domestic violence, or
some combination of all three. Maybe on Lifetime. And the slave boy,
who looks like the weakest Scotsman since Trainspotting should be the body
double for the guy in the Facebook Movie.
Whifffffff!
The last thing that could save a pile like this would be some
diddling; but alas, no sex. Bummer. Orgies, even in Roman times, were
apparently forbidden in the dank, overcast maw that is “Great”
Britain. Historical records show that no Briton ever copulated
in-country until the invention of “E” sometime in the early 90’s, at
which point the Welsh sallied forth and reclaimed the throne which
Longshanks so mischievously stole from Braveheart.
But if you’re into sex, there’s always “A Serbian Film”. It’s called that because it pretty much sums up life in post-communist countries still bent on race wars. Like it matters. They’re all slavs….silkhat on a pig, you ask me. J/k Poland is cool. But that’s where I draw the iron curtain. Hungary’s burgeoning hegemony of the porn biz should serve as a beacon for all the 3rd world of europe to follow.
This movie will rickroll your life.
