will be reviewing shortly Elizabeth: The Golden Age
movies with rowr!
musics, stories, shorties, randoms, photos, clothes ...l'auteur
• Question?
“Nothing is fucked here, Dude. C’mon. You’re being very un-Dude.”
The Eagle (2011)
So this is a gladiator movie, right? Because I usually like anything with soggy
sandals and bare-chested Romans, oiled chests and oysters vs clams and all that. But
Im pretty sure someone spliced Last of the Mohicans into this around
page 83. Seal people? The fuck are you talking about? I know Scotland
is a lil funky but I didnt think it was as funky as Newfoundland.
Fuckintribe of Oswald Cobblepott’s long lost primos and so on.
As I said, I’d sweat any movie about Romans but this shit is just
retarded. And the main characters kinda look like they were miscast.
The Roman fucker, whose name means Eagle (so clever) should be in a
movie about football/roids/alcohol-fueled teen domestic violence, or
some combination of all three. Maybe on Lifetime. And the slave boy,
who looks like the weakest Scotsman since Trainspotting should be the body
double for the guy in the Facebook Movie.
Whifffffff!
The last thing that could save a pile like this would be some
diddling; but alas, no sex. Bummer. Orgies, even in Roman times, were
apparently forbidden in the dank, overcast maw that is “Great”
Britain. Historical records show that no Briton ever copulated
in-country until the invention of “E” sometime in the early 90’s, at
which point the Welsh sallied forth and reclaimed the throne which
Longshanks so mischievously stole from Braveheart.
But if you’re into sex, there’s always “A Serbian Film”. It’s called that because it pretty much sums up life in post-communist countries still bent on race wars. Like it matters. They’re all slavs….silkhat on a pig, you ask me. J/k Poland is cool. But that’s where I draw the iron curtain. Hungary’s burgeoning hegemony of the porn biz should serve as a beacon for all the 3rd world of europe to follow.
This movie will rickroll your life.
Road To Nowhere (2010)
What a perfect title for this movie. I have never been so confused in my life. I’d love to give you a plot rundown but I’m fucking baffled. You have to see it for yourself. I’m pretty sure the story was about a guy shooting a movie based on a crime. And I think the criminal was in fact the main actor in the movie within a movie. But every time I got close to getting a grip on everything, there was this weird Latino guy who kinda just brought things back to zero. And Im not talking like an annoying Puerto Rican in the theater. I mean in the movie, there was this Dos Equis looking guy that, well, I don’t know what purpose he served.
This is really all I can tell you. I wish I knew more but when I left the theater I felt like a medical experiment victim. Or a botched lobotomy patient. Maybe both. There isn’t even any nudity to make up for it. What a gyp.
But I’m gonna do you a solid and make up for it. Here are a few of the actresses as nude as a quick google search can get you:
Dominique Swain. Yeah, she’s got a pair. If you want some fun sex scenes for your bank check out Lolita. She’s in that. Pretty good stuff.
Shannyn Sossaman. Sorry I couldn’t do better. Girl just won’t take her clothes off.
La Moustache (2005)
What can you say about French films that French people aren’t already bragging about? Know what I mean?
Give this one a watch if you’re into ambiguous endings, large Gallic noses, or, of course, mustaches.
I think I liked it. The plot revolves around this frog that shaves off his sweet stache and his wife/friends/coworkers don’t notice. He thinks he’s going insane and runs away. He grows it back and suddenly everything is “back to normal”. I know first hand that mustaches can be powerful, but I’m not sure how they can warp reality. That must be a French thing.
Anyway, the ending leaves you with some questions, which is by turns cool and annoying. As I said, I think I liked it. Plan on watching it again while high to see if it makes any more sense.