This is one of those sexual erotic thriller type films. Unfortunately it goes places we’ve all been a million times without the courtesy of a leg-crossing scene. Or perhaps Mickey Rourke telling us how to bone. Remember that shit? It was like Cinemax finished where Sex Ed left off.

It’s basically Wild Things in the bayous of Louisiana instead of the ‘glades of Florida. But with less nudity. And Burt Reynolds. And some other guy. Think about that.

I can’t say much for this movie. It’s like the brownest thing I’ve ever seen. Maybe they did it on purpose. Make it more southern fried New Orleans or whatever. So here’s the plot run down: Burt needs to know if his wife is cheating so he pays a dude to bone her. The stupid kid thinks he is in love with the wife and then Burt wants to kick some ass. I can’t tell you any more or I might “ruin it for you”.


Angelina Jolie + Elizabeth Hurley - boobs = Saffron Burrows

All in all it’s a feel good kinda film though… because in the back of your head you know that one day Katrina will hit and we won’t have to worry about this place anymore.

Here’s the best 22 seconds of the film:

I apologize for writing this. If you want more Burt Reynolds I suggest Deliverance. If you want more Saffron Burrows you can see her get hacked up in Loss of Sexual Innocence but I promise you it’s not worth it. If you want some more of the main character, idk, check the job placement program nearest you.

1:00 pm  •  31 December 2011

The movie starts out with a punk rock cool-guy teacher type who is tasked with teaching his students about autocracy. In Germany.

Yeah. Germany.

I think they know how it works.

The premise is that our man the teacher here has to explain autocracy and devises a social experiment to get his message across. The whole project lasts a week and we see a bunch of disparate characters embracing this movement, called “The Wave”, for no apparent reason whatsoever. They invent a stupid “salute” that looks like it was invented by Zack Morris. Pointless.

I was about to put on Hackers when the payoff finally arrived.

Teacher calls an assembly and manipulates the students using his status as “the leader” into forcing a summary justice moment kinda thing on an individual student named Marco. At this point Teach calls off the experiment and tells the kids to think about what they have experienced and all.

All in all worth a watch but the first half really drags. If you thought there’d be any David Hasselhoff and North Sea surf scenes I’m afraid you’re in for a disappointment.

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This is the only attractive beast in the entire thing. And she’s not even all that. Otherwise no one in this movie will be on postcards from the “German Riviera”…..which may or may not be Poland. Checking on that.

BY THE WAY THIS MOVIE HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE IN CALIFORNIA

10:00 am  •  30 December 2011

1. Hackers are attractive and screens will destroy your retinas.

2. The IT department looks like the Matrix (actually I can’t disconfirm this one. never been to IT)

3. Hacking requires goggles.

12:03 am  •  30 December 2011

Marc Anthony and “Gill” share an ipod in “Hackers”

11:38 pm  •  29 December 2011

Hackers review coming soon. Im making a bunch of gifs in anticipation. Grab your cocks.

11:33 pm  •  29 December 2011

This is a movie about ridiculous accents, identity crisis, and how many ways to style Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. I saw it years ago and I guess maybe I had a hard on for Triplehorn or something.

I was kind of shocked when I got it via Netflix. That means that I haven’t been paying attention and that’s what I’m now stuck with all weekend. Wonderful.

This movie didn’t hold up as well as I thought it would’ve. If I could time travel to before I knew what sex was all about this would probably still be cool. But seeing stalker women get knocked up isn’t really my idea of comedy. More like 28 Days Later and shit. Psyc-hoes happen enough IRL so keep them to a minimum in the movies pliss.

Otherwise yeah check it all out. American accents, Americans with English accents, mistaken for real English by idiot English, and all the friends are from the periphery of the country I guess. Irish and Scottish and the lot. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

And what the hell does this picture mean? Fucking British humor.

7:04 pm  •  29 December 2011  •  2 notes

Ooooh yes. We know why this one was in the queue. That one chick from Jawbreaker gives us a peak as does Julianne Moore.

This is a spin off Nathalie, but uh, whatever. These erotic thrillers are kinda all the same. Some nude scenes, dopey male characters, idiot children in the middle of it all.

However, I read Liam Neeson’s wife died in a skiing accident while this was being made. But I ain’t messing with Michael Collins. I dont care if he did work with Jar Jar Binks.

The Power of Sideboob

….and:

….The Miracle of Regula Bewb

Im afraid that’s the best I can do given the circumstances.

I made a deposit in your wank bank. Who’s your favorite??? Huh?? Huh????

3:50 pm  •  16 December 2011

This movie has every single person in Hollywood in it. I’m almost certain al Quaeda was behind it. How else could you ruin so many careers with one stroke? I mean unless you had an airplane…

I saw this months ago. Just decided to write something and frankly, I can’t remember the movie at all. I don’t think I’m gonna watch it again. So let’s just review all the screen caps I took.

You gotta wonder if these guys feel like they’ve really lost their chemistry since Schindler’s List, right? Really… that HAD to have crossed their minds.

“Remember that one movie we made where we both had a good shave before I ‘liquidated the ghetto’? Well now we’re doing this movie and we both have BEARDS! SO weird, right?!?!?!”

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Then there’s Liam Cunningham, whom you remember from such blockbusters as First Knight and _______.*

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Polly Walker wearing the same shit she wore in Rome. Her boobs seem to just keep growing.

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Pete Postlewaithe not playing an Irishman for once in his life. It’s cool though. If I was English I’d want to be Irish too. I wanna send this dude a check or something. Why is he in this movie? He’s a good actor.

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Jason Flemyng reprises his role as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde…

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Brad Pitt’s assistant from Troy. Still doing his surprise face.

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Ugh. Go watch anything else Mikkelsen ever did. If you insist on seeing him grizzled and beating things up, I recommend Valhalla Rising.

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sorry thats jus a pic of my Ex. howd that get in there, i wonder?

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Hans Matheson, who played the dumbest revolutionary ever in 1998’s Les Miserables. With, guess who??? Liam Neeson. Again, gotta wonder if they made eye contact while doing this one…  In other news apparently Hugh Jackman is gonna star in a 2012 re-re-re-re-remake of Les Miserables. Stay tuned.

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Gemma Arterton as the palest chic ever.

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This is this chic’s film debut. Not even kidding. I looked it up. You could say her career is stillborn! Get it???

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I was gonna talk about her role in Defiance but IMDB says she had a “Bohemian” childhood in NY. So….fuck that shit.

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No idea who this broad is or what role she had in the movie. But I know DSL aint just for internet anymore.

Also if you can spot Jane March as Hestia, bonus points. And you can see her do some almost child softcore in The Lover or again with Bruce Willis in The Color of Night. It’s pretty ridiculous. You should watch.

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I don’t know who this roly poly motherfucker is but it was in my screen caps. I must’ve seen him somewhere. But like I said, Im not watching it again to figure out.

Until next time….

*Actually he was awesome in The Wind That Shakes the Barley

10:30 am  •  16 December 2011

you know you need to lay off the bacon when your knuckles are fat

2:02 am  •  16 December 2011

will be reviewing this as well….stay tuuuunnnneeeeddzzzzzzz

salmonbits:

8:35 pm  •  13 December 2011  •  1 note