Daniel Craig quantums his solace with two bitches, bitches!
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Quantum of Solace (2008)
I watched this on Blu-ray yesterday with my brother. Fantastic. My dad’s sound system is killer.
There are some films that I can really let go… and like them for what they are. Actually I can’t. I’m typically pretty stuck up about this, but with Bond, well, after 40 years these films have the pedigree to more or less do what they want and be judged within their own bloodline.
So, whereas Fast and the Furious can lick my perianal region, I will gladly lick the same of Bond films with crazy chase scenes.
Keep your iPod down, there’s more dialogue in this one than Casino Royale!!! I’d tell you what happens but I mean come on… Bond film = Cheeky lines, gratutitous implied sex, death, awesome wardrobe. Add a beer and this could be MY life!!!!
Thoughts on Taken:
- Maggie Grace can run exactly like a 17-year-old.
- Liam Neeson’s nose.
- HOLLY VALANCE IS PLAYING A MEGA-FAMOUS POPSTAR. IRONY.
- That French dude is completely dickable.
- That French dude is EVIL. Take me NOW.
- Oh shiiiiiiiii—
- Hahaha, Father’s.
- Famke Janssen, more like Fake Tan-ssen HURRHURR.
- LIAM NEESON STOP TALKING PLZ.
- I’m bored of Liam Neeson hitting people.
- Okay shit’s exciting now.
- JUNKIE SLUTS ♥.
- Liam Neeson’s nose.
- This is exactly like 24.
- Blah blah, more running, driving, shooting, yelliiiiiing.
- FAT ARAB.
- Seriou—MAGGIE GRACE STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT?
- Why are you so happy, bitch? You were kidnapped, forced heroin and almost sold to Arabs to defoul your innocent pussy. STOP SMILING.
- HOLLY VALANCE AS A MEGA POPSTAR. HOLLY VALANCE IN A MANSION. HOLLY VALANCE. I bet she cried herself to sleep every night after filming.
- The end? Ugh. I could’ve been masturbating this whole time. Christ.
I was gonna review it but this guy took care of it for me.
Mongol (2007)
Leave it to the Russians to make a stupid movie. The problem here wasn’t the acting or the cinematography, both were top notch. But the plot itself was slow and contrived.
Temudjin (Tadanobu Asano) rises to power in medieval Mongolia.
There. Done. That’s it. You’ve seen the movie.
Every time there is about to be an epic battle of defining moment, the screen goes black and the next segment starts up with the protagonist magically victorious/healed/problem-solved/what have you.
In one scene it is implied that a wolf gets him out of stocks. In another he is shot directly in the spine with an arrow and the screen fades to black and then we see him walking around laughing with his friend. WTF?
In an epic battle against his ‘brother’ who outnumbers him nearly 10 to 1, a storm covers the field and his enemies are all afraid of thunder so he wins. Wow. Fuck this movie.
But, honorable mention: skull crushing scene. I flinched. Cool.
Waste your time on IMDB.com.
Re-Animator (1985)
I confess I am not cool. My first knowledge of this film came from a scene in American Beauty. What can I say?
Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) studies death. He is desperate to continue his research and bring people back to life. Dr. Hill (David Gale) wants to steal the credit and attempts to do so after West revives Dean Alan Halsey (Robert Sampson).
This movie is great. All the nudity and camp you’d expect from a classic horror flick.
Honrable mention: This is the first time I’ve ever seen a headless corpse attempt cunnilingus. I would like to praise the creative mind who thought that would be a nice touch.
Five Easy Pieces (1970)
For real, I’d let Jack Nicholson fuck me. He deserves it.
Bobby Dupea (Nicholson) is a shiftless asshole. Needless to say he gets laid a lot. He finds out his father is ill and is forced to bring his girlfriend with him to his family house in Washington. He arrives and finds his intellectual family just as repugnant as when he left them in the first place.
In the course of his stay, he has time to understand himself, but seems helpless to do anything about it. Stay tuned at the end for the best way to dump a chick.
You know, I’ve seen this movie twice now but I just can’t quite get my head around what the point of it is. Maybe I’m just stupid. But still, great flick. Worth watching. Nicholson is an amazing actor.
The Time Machine (2000)
Jeremy Irons wants YOU for Battlefield: Earth.
This movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty horrible. Nevertheless, I managed to make it through, mostly because I can’t stop looking at Guy Pearce’s weird upper lip.
Alexander (Guy Pearce) invents a time machine so that he can save his fiance’s life. Things go awry and our traveller speeds instead to the future, looking for answers to his dilemma. Instead he finds a devolved planet where humans have become their own food source. Go from there.
Honestly, I only saw this because it was on TBS at four-something in the morning. This would usually be a case where I’d say, “Don’t see it in the theater, wait for the DVD.” But considering, I’d say wait till it’s the only thing on TV and you’re still up past your bedtime. Or go to sleep when you see it’s on. Makes no difference.
Honorable mention: Nominated for “Best Made For TV Movie to Hit Theaters”.
Time Machine -shockingly enough- on imdb.com.